| sometimes, your transcribe the words to songs you've heard 100+ times & you realize they are genius |
[Jul. 17th, 2009|03:48 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | mess | ] |
| [ | dream |
| | 13 more pages | ] |
| [ | the air is quivering |
| | drooling on maps. | ] |
drool on the pillow, with a the weeping willow
all trees need some water to grow
it's hard to see anything else
when you've got eyes so full that they overflow
we'll collect your tears in a jar
and boil 'em down, boil 'em down
we'll take some to the baker
put some in the shaker
a little salt brings out the sweet
drool on the pillow, with a the weeping willow
all trees need some water to grow
it's hard to see anything else
when you've got eyes so full that they overflow
you could get pills prescribed, you could wish you could die
you could drink a whole box of wine
you could take the batteries out of all the clocks in the house
and pretend to stop the passage of time
but remember you're good and people like you
you don't have to be what you're not
cause if you keep on worshipping the good in the fruit
eventually it's gonna rot...
drool on the pillow, with a the weeping willow
all trees need some water to grow
it's hard to see anything else
when you've got eyes so full that they overflow |
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| this is an entry so that I remember my days. |
[Jun. 28th, 2009|06:17 pm] |
| [ | the air is quivering |
| | Alash | ] |
Today I woke up and felt out of it, and stumbled around the house, ate a little, did dishes, sat in my room. It rained really hard and I was so out of it, but once it stopped I wished that I had gone out and run around in it. Instead I went for run afterwards and ran to the Arb. on the way there I stopped at Rachel, Emily, Georgia and Kate's house and took some Ibuprofin. Then I ran around the Arb. Then I stretched at J-House, got tired and walked back.
I saw a bike outside of Fairkid that I almost took, but decided it might belong to somebody.
I came home, ate an egg and a veggie-potato-masala burger. Then I was here for a while and was distracted but meant to do work. Then I went and played Banjo with Mike Friedmann who was on Fiddle in Tappan Square. The Ohio Bagpiper's convention people were playing "Scotland the Brave" over and over again. There were some teenagers on bikes talking about stupid things.
Then I came home and talked to Josh for around an hour. That was good. Then, a bowl of cereal and some more distractions. But then I worked, too. Now it is now. now I want to work. Or, I should say, I want to get my work done.
That was today. Yesterday was distractions and then tasty salmon for dinner and then swimming in the arb with Dani and her friend Jeremy. I watched part of Kissing Jessica Stein and then I skyped with Hannah for a while which was great!
The day before that was school, and then dancing with 6 -7 year olds at the playground program, and Mojitos and then Roller Skating! Some middle school boys became fascinated with me, in my white unitard, and my spastic, I-don't-know-how-to-roller-skate movements. fun.
This week has been a lot of school, and lot of reading and writing and self-reflection. It's all very exhausting and because I don't work efficiently I don't have any time to take care of myself or my body or mind or spirit except on weekends, and as you may have guessed I don't spend my weekend time well either as its sunday evening and I haven't gotten much done at all!
Okay, that is all. |
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| dear livejournal |
[Mar. 9th, 2009|12:15 am] |
| [ | the air is quivering |
| | the beatles. | ] |
dear livejournal, last updated 20 weeks ago,
I worry at times, reading back, that you are not coherent.
But sometimes in life, we don't have to make sense.
Sometimes we get to be confused.
or even just wrong. and it is okay. even helpful.
and so, I release myself from all self-judgement.
And I release myself from the judgement of the others, too.
And now, I reawaken my aesthetic sense.
place yourself in a picture,
then remember where you live.
(in the world)
curl up,
push your head into the ground.
let yourself slither out.
brothers, sisters,
accept! that at one time your head was squeezed!
really hard!
buckle down,
apply yourself.
don't sleep until it's done. |
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| the sabbath |
[Oct. 16th, 2008|04:52 pm] |
| [ | the air is quivering |
| | carina's mix. | ] |
Today Hannah came over after breakfast and we went for a walk. It was fun! We eventually wandered over to fairchild and ate food - at one point two people were talking to me at once, more specifically, Hannah and Kirsten, and somehow I managed to split my attention between both of them so that I could hear them both at once and comprehend them both at once.
Interestingly, both were convinced that I was not listening to either of them. I could not speak nor look at either of them while engaging in listening, but once everyone shut up I could respond to both of them. Still, that was a complicated thing to navigate. I wish people were more sensitive to when other people were talking; or maybe I need to develop a signal to give to say one, letting them know that I will listen to them and respond when the time comes, but I am unavailable at present.
Something great that happened: I found Carina on facebook! finally! it's been over 3 years and I really want to see her/don't want her to disappear.
another great thing that happened: Aliza's radio show = totally awesome and we might get married next year. woah.
an intense conversation: Are power dynamics okay? Maybe they are only okay in sex? can we change our sexuality? should we?
I've been thinking a lot about abstinence this semester. although not practicing it. and the difference between affection and sexual energy.
and now I'm reading the sabbath by Abraham Joshua Heschel, and it is fun. I'm glad I study religion. |
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| woman of the cloth |
[Oct. 14th, 2008|07:36 pm] |
woman of cloth,
we fast in the woods. we dance between poison and delicacy,
we glow in the dark.
we decorate your face, and as your body succumbs
you glow in the light.
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| wghaoihw!~a! |
[Oct. 1st, 2008|11:31 pm] |
| [ | the air is quivering |
| | nick lowery | ] |
akldsjfhnty!
whatoi;alkjdsf !
ao;sidljknvroiuuengn!
oh, the varieties of () experience.
what was that? the groove? the energy? can you feel it? throat singing in the shower, hours of crying to ray charles, watching the sunrise, holding a stick in my mouth, not wanting to eat, not sleeping and intensity for 44 hours. seeing too much, noticing too much, reading minds, letting emily distract me. trying to build my drum, going to rosh hashanah, cooking dinner and having community in my house, getting sick, rain, colors.
and now; reading the SexCo reading, I am excited by my potential for sexual potency, excited by abstinence, excited by noticing what I want, staying determined in pursuing that, not letting anyone make me think it is wrong, or weird, not letting anyone disempower me, letting random scribbled lines turn into vaginas, thinking about prophets, leaders, alpha males, self indulgence, energy blockages, unsettledness, getting the most of interactions.
sleep. |
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| uh oh |
[Sep. 22nd, 2008|04:57 am] |
| [ | the air is quivering |
| | I shake your hand; we still don't meet | ] |
I'm losing it!!!!!
Alla's words keep resonating in my head. ("Sash, when people like you, it's not enough for you. You need people to love you.") |
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| so pleased, yet |
[Sep. 22nd, 2008|03:24 am] |
hoorah, whore, ah! another paper, this one is ridiculous, it's been 13 hours lalala and I haven't done much of anything, I'm a terrible worker, I wish I were a bee, so the queen would fire me, then I'd reach up for the sky and I'd know I wouldn't die because the queen would eat my body if I wanted to be honored but we're not on speaking terms so I will not be the father of the breed and no one will come buzzing after me.
and for three whole days I haven't slept and oh but it's a pleasure to be awake so long my life is so much longer and I'd even start my sweating if it really start to hurt but its filling me with sustenance that I would find in dirt if I was worm. if I was a warm worm, eating my way through warm dirt, it's tasty and it's comfortable to me.
and burning fires so hot they will burn me when they are done and no matter how much water I add it only keeps on burning through my skin. the rocks will burn holes right through the water and we'll sweat and pump our blood till we are cooked and it coagulates inside our bodies and we have turned from people into food. I want my friends to eat me when I'm dead. |
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| tonight. |
[Sep. 17th, 2008|01:25 am] |
tonight I talked to Shelley for a long time about us. It was hard. and at times, good.
I can see into my neighbor's windows. For some reason it seems jarring here, yet only natural at home.
sometimes it just dawns on me that Lewis and David and Manny are dead. Life is fragile. Life is really fragile. And we forget. |
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| I could write. |
[Sep. 15th, 2008|01:55 am] |
I could write about this fucking, fucking, fucking weekend.
but fuck weekends. we should only have one fucking day of rest. and we should spend it with our family, literally or figuratively.
but this?
this shit is fucked up.
so we're not going to talk about it for a while.
but I cried tonight. for like, a couple hours. sobbed. wailed. snotted. the whole thing. hid in the corner of a closet and let my feelings win. for once. fuck composure, fuck zen, and fuck those fucking rc sessions. none of that shit is real.
this shit is real. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 13th, 2008|05:38 pm] |
| [ | dream |
| |  pissed off | ] |
fuck everything. |
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| this place! |
[Sep. 9th, 2008|11:36 pm] |
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I forget how sexual this place can be! I am so overwhelmed by so little. |
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| a party, tonight. |
[Sep. 7th, 2008|02:42 am] |
This week back has been so FULL of everything you would expect it to be. Ridiculous happenings, pleasing happenings, and simple happenings. falling in love with a stranger? totally cool. once settled into the context of oberlin, this wonderful nurturing place, it can return to its place of simply being what it was. who-rah.
lhamdoulla, as say the Moroccans, I finally love all my classes and am excited. Yes I overloaded, but this is what I am taking:
Intro to Judaism
Islam
Contact Improvisation
Raw and Living Foods
Something From Something (a wood sculpture art class with Johnny Coleman!)
History of Sustainable Architecture
Russian Conversation
THE SexCo
Practicum in Tutoring
Re-evaluation Counseling
holy crap that is a lot of classes. but it's good. and exciting. I have no girlfriend. this is nice. there is time and I love my friends a lot. and they are all really beautiful. really, really beautiful.
There was a party tonight, and I had a really good time. This is not very usual! It was just great. I just got down off of my high horse and was crude and crass and had a great time doing it. Finally enjoying saying terrible things without feeling horribly guilty. What an amazing feeling.
I've been running recently. That feels good but hurts. The weather is perfect.
Again, with the meat. Vegetarian? I don't know. For all practical purposes, yes. I'm not about to order meat in a restaurant. But I did dumpster a lot of chicken Friday night, and brought it back for the house. I have to admit, as much as the flesh is unappealing, I still do love chewing on skin and bones. But god. I really don't like the way it feels spiritually.
It kind of feels like zombie food. Give me vegetables, please!
(oh, eggplant, how our relationship has changed. I bathe you in salt and sauté you with tomatoes and onion and garlic and Bok Choi and how delicious you are! how delicious! how deliciously delicious. yum.)
and, on other thoughts. New York does not seem so bad. It is just hard to be there with nothing to do, and an unwillingness (still!!) to clean my room. |
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| Home |
[Aug. 20th, 2008|12:30 am] |
So, I drove home from Minneapolis in 24 hours straight with 5 other people and two dogs. That was intense. The van overheated in Hoboken so I took the bus.
Yesterday, I woke up late and biked to the beach and jumped in the ocean. It was delicious and there was a cool breeze and dead jellyfish everywhere. I danced with some sand crabs and did handstands until the tide came in and made the sand beneath my hands sink at which point I collapsed like a Jinga tower.
By some spark of insanity I also decided to go up to Westchester to visit Julia, so at 2:45 PM I left the beach, and in recognition that biking up to the rest of Queens and Queens and then through Queens and the Bronx would probably leave me short of time, breath and Glycogen in my liver (I hadn't eaten much all day) I took the train up to Inwood, and biked from there. Julia intended to meet me in Hastings-on-Hudson but called me as I waited for her at the train station to say her car battery was dead.
So I took an adventure! to find a way to Hartsdale. I definitely took the long way around to her house - ah well. I did get there eventually. It was beautiful and green and quiet on top of her hill. Typical for Westchester, I suppose, but it was an amusing contrast from where I'd woken up. I drank lemonade and we chatted for a while - she gifted me a beautiful poncho that I do hope to wear, although it is difficult not to feel like a total ridiculous stonerflakyhippiecultureappropriator when wearing one. Maybe I'll just let my hair dread again and complete the look and accept the identity.
I came home by 9:20 and ate dinner with my parents on the roof. We had Salmon. It was delicious, as always.
Did I mention that I am Pescetarian? Weird, right? Although I tasted some lamb tonight. It was good but whatever, man. Eating too much sheep organ in Tuva did it for me. Flesh just isn't fucking right sometimes. And I refuse to let myself be detached from my food and where it comes from. If I can't handle it, fine, I won't eat it.
Today I woke up and ate breakfast on the roof with my parents. Sipping Cappuccino eating a bowl of cereal and having my dad read the newspaper in the morning sun. The nice thing about being up there in the morning is that you can really see the flowers. In all their euphemismatic* glory.
*This is not a word. But it should be a word, because it sounds fucking awesome.
I went to the dentist, where I was instructed on how to floss in a way that doesn't make my gums bleed and cause gum recession. how exciting. and then she used some cleaning tool that fucking hurt. It actually felt like she was grinding away at my gums, but apparently she was just going underneath the gums. How comforting.
I told the story of Elizabeth, who wanted to be a dental hygienist and then got cavities, which changed her perspective on life. She told me the story of her son's new girlfriend, a materialistic manipulative controlling bitch that she prayed every day her son would break up with. But, apparently, he's always got to have a girlfriend, so he lines one up so he can go right to a new one after he breaks up with the old.
(At this point I wonder how he keeps their names straight. I figure he must call them all "baby" as an easy way out. I love you, baby. Unless he calls them all mom. but that would be fucking wierd)
Apparently, she's being patient and hasn't even told him to break up with her. She's just told him he should be seeing other people too. He says, "Mom, you want me to cheat on my girlfriend?" She says, "It's not cheating unless you've got an engagement ring! Besides, you're too young to be only seeing one person."
Hmmm...I wonder why the girlfriend doesn't want to come into her house?
Man, I am glad I've never had one of those terror girlfriends, the ones that are manipulative and controlling. or maybe I'm too insensitive to let myself be manipulated. What? Who do I love more, you or my friends? Peace out, baby. Br0z b4 h0ez.
Anyway, I meandered slowly through Central Park and down to the Riverside, where I stumbled across Adrian Benepe having a grand opening for the last section of Riverside Park from 59th St to 70th St. There was grand buffet involving fruit and cheese and crackers, plus some veggie wraps. Yum. I bumped into Daniel (Blum?) from Bronx Science, who was doing an internship for somebody or other. I almost said Hi to Adrian, but decided against it.
Instead, I got into a very long conversation with a woman in her late 40s, probably, whose son is about to start at Wesleyan. Women in this age bracket seem to love talking with me. It was an interesting conversation but after meeting that girl in St. Paul, no interaction with a stranger will ever be as magical again.
After at least half an hour, we parted ways and as I threw out my plate, I noticed a funny blue and white striped engineer's cap in the garbage can. Hmm...Adrian Benepe was definitely wearing that earlier. So I took it out of the garbage can, put it on my head and calculated my coolness points as increasing at least by three-fold. I had a signature accessory. Sweet.
I rode home, jittered away for a little while, then walked over to Chase to try and get Money For College, which failed, and then walked up to Canal St for the experience.
Oh! The joy of Canal Street, the joy of continents colliding, the joy of the easiest place in Manhattan to flood, the joy of being offered Trees, glorious Trees, fire and green trees, over and over again. If only I had money. And the desire for drugs.
(I smoked a lot of pot on the way from Minneapolis. It was excessive. I'm slightly in detox mode, that is, until the appropriate opportunity arises.)
After walking into a couple stores on Canal Street, I got high on the joy of being in The City, the City of All Cities, the Center of the Machine, where purchasing power means joy and meaningless decadence and really fucking sweet gadgets, also known as TOYS. Toys are fun things. And Canal Street is full of them. And more. To think I used to get satisfaction out of buying copper wire and making little spark machines! Now there are REAL toys like microphones and headphones and iPhones and iPods and ... the list continues.
So I walked home, cracking up at everything I saw. A bar? Oh my god fucking hilarious, people are spending money and drinking beer! People are spending money and eating ice cream! People are spending money on pretty house objects! European women drinking European wine on West Broadway! American Apparel -
How can I start on American Apparel? It's always hard not to fall on the floor laughing when I see those clothes.
But dude, as Jessie said in St. Paul, "Who wouldn't want a shiny sparkly gold leotard?" Amen to that, sister.
So I went home and tried to express this feeling to my Dad, who just simply didn't get it. So we rode bikes around the southern tip of Manhattan, and then up the east side where we met my mother at a Turkish restaurant, but not before I climbed a fence to give a little boy his pink balloon back.
We ate a delicious meal, pretty intense but I'd been saving room in my stomach all day. We had: Smoked eggplant with garlic sauce, Cabbage Dolma, Octapus Salad with tomatoes, and Pancakes with bits of spiced lamb on top. So much for being a strict vegetarian. The meat was fine but unnecessary. That was the first course of appetizers.
The second course, which I was not particularly hungry for but enjoyed anyway, consisted of Mediterranean Sea Bass. Flown here from the Mediterranean. Again, we do not go to restaurants to be sustainable. Finished the meal with some almond desert, rice pudding and Turkish coffee. (All this food was shared, I am not THAT crazy!)
After this I biked to Dagan's where we hung out for around an hour or so. This was good, but he is leaving for college tomorrow morning. I think he will visit Oberlin again this year. I am excited for this.
I biked home. The meatpacking district is fucking nightlife CENTRAL. I had no idea. Well, I knew. But I hadn't seen it before.
Whew. That's quite an entry. Is this why I stopped writing in livejournal? The fact that you can write down so many moments, and still miss so many? And have an entry without any huge significance in your life? An entry that says yes, this is what I did, said, saw, thought, but doesn't really seem to go deeper?
Maybe it isn't the entry, but the day itself that provoked no deep emotional response.
It was a good day. It was pleasant. Albeit somewhat emotionless. Seeing Dagan was nice. We hugged. Still - it is strange for a day to seem so lalala. it just came and went. it was light.
I am going to build a sweatlodge in Oberlin. Come visit me and we will sweat. How delicious.
Goodnight. |
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| I met a girl. |
[Aug. 14th, 2008|10:10 pm] |
So, I just met a girl.
Not just any girl.
The girl.
I met her on the street.
We talked for ten minutes.
I may never see her again.
I want to see her again.
I do not know how to make this happen.
Is it love at first sight? Or does it come out of a psychological need?
It was an Oberlin connection, obviously. It's just not frequently that I experience that kind of connection with someone in such a short time. funkdaddyback. I really want our conversation to continue. I didn't realize how important those few minutes were going to be until we said goodbye.
I should have...!
(asked for her contact info?)
(her last name?)
I need to find "Kat."
This is the name of someone that knows her.
or maybe we will cross paths again when necessary.
maybe we will cross paths again in Eretz Yisrael.
there was just a lot of love. really suddenly. and it was really great. but really shocking. and I want more.
[edit] - The person I met was not named Kat. She happened to mention someone at Oberlin named Kat. Who, if I encounter, perhaps I will inquire as to the name of said person.
However, upon further meditation, I am not sure that knowing the full name of this girl would help me. Unfortunately, I am madly in love with her. Still don't know what to do about it. |
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| my god. |
[Aug. 13th, 2008|12:49 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | St. Paul, Minnesota. | ] |
| [ | dream |
| |  hopeful | ] |
| [ | the air is quivering |
| | jazz coming from Elliot's room. | ] |
It feels like I'm waking up. |
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| umm...russia... |
[May. 30th, 2008|08:14 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | petrogradskii ostrov | ] |
| [ | dream |
| |  sickof americans on my program | ] |
| [ | the air is quivering |
| | the low hum of businses as usual in st. petersburg | ] |
oh, so my blog for the past three months has been:
sashainspace.blogspot.com
I've been in Russia, Siberia, St. Petersburg, and the Republic of Tuva! throatsinging and whatnot.
so, I would just like to say, props to the blind, black unelected new governer of new york who has finally become a politician who says something intelligent about gay rights.
though I am surprised that no politicians have mentioned separation between church and state. if marriage is so "sacred" the state should have nothing to do with it at all. the state has no power to make anything sacred and thus should be entirely limited to making civil unions. which are not sacred. and thus there is no "sanctity" to defend. everyone can (and will!) be unioned civilly!
I explained this to an extremely pious gay mexican catholic that I met in st. petersburg and he said, "that's one way of looking at it..." |
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| suddenly |
[Jan. 30th, 2008|12:03 am] |
reading through my high school commencement program,
I suddenly feel pretty bad about my lack of academic achievements in high school. and college. and life.
the rc workshop was laskdjfsaldkj. |
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mbsch's journal
